I am mad

I am mad that we have to go through this. I am mad that Jeremy lost his job and each time he is sure that he has a great interview they pick somebody else. I am mad that Desmond can't go to school when he wants to, and that he has to have people poke and prod him when he doesn't want to be poked and prodded. I am mad that there are days when I just sit in my office at work and can't seem to do anything other than worry. I am mad Idaho is not a medical marijuana state, so we could safely give Desmond something natural to help him feel better and keep his weight up so he doesn't have to get a feeding tube. I am mad that we have to pump his little body full of poison every week, poison that might take away his ability to have kids. I am mad that there are so many other little kids going through the same terrible and even worse crap that Desmond is, and that a lot of them won't make it through. I am mad that I lay awake at night wondering if something will happen to Regan. I am mad that, as the mom of a kid with rhabdo, I am at an increased risk of breast cancer, and that when I cough so hard I think to myself "I wonder if this is what it feels like to have cancer in your lungs."